Project '3x 10' - Day 9: The dead end.

He began with the end in mind. He was certain where he was headed. But when it happened, time and space came to a abrupt halt. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
The little pieces of detail fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle in his very own subconscious mind; waiting to be summoned to the conscious portal of the brain as soon as they were required. He knew each and every turn of the maze like the back of his hand. Shit. Nobody knows the back of their hand. The details were a part of him, undulating with every single heartbeat.
People love metaphors. Don't they? They like things aesthetically associated, in a harmonic proportion with one another. Tangled together perfectly. But for him, it was a wildfire out there. No one trust able. Nothing to be relied upon. The next step he takes determines the rest of the course he will be embarked upon. As though a domino had been toppled over, generating a ripple that causes the rest to follow, one by one.
He wasn't disappointed for the lack of direction in his life. Rather he was overwhelmed by the number of directions he had to comprehend and choose from. The maze was a conundrum in itself. But he wasn't scared to make a decision. He never was. What frightened him was the fear of the far-fetched. The unknown. He needed to fight off the insecurities and come to an absolute conclusion, and he did.
And then happened what he never would've imagined about. How could he? The idea was mere nothingness in itself. A numbing sensation made way through his spine, down the nerves and trickling into every muscle of his existence. His eyes, blinded by the bleak darkness. His ears, deafened by the encumbering silence.
The dead end.

Helpless.

HOLY SMOKE!

Head skewed and staring into nothingness, as it seems. He seemed numb. Numb to the chilling cold penetrating  him slowly. Numb to the fascination of the pitch black sky that was dotted with countless points of light, glimmering with various degrees of brightness. Numb to any emotion that might jolt him out from the insensitivity that encompassed him.

SWEAR TO GOD! I'm not even kidding dude. I JUST saw a shooting star. It was freakin' awesome! Like it just sweeped across the sky. AND I know the difference between a plane and a shooting star. Trust me. I've never seen anything like that before.

I don't know if he was just uninterested in my irrelevant gibberish; or if he was too occupied with stuff to think about. Well, I do know. Too tired of sitting in the same posture, now he sat with his head locked between his knees, rocking back and forth. The sniffing making me anxious with each passing second. I continued:

You see those three stars in a line. They form the Orion's belt. And the four stars around it, yeah those ones, make him look like a hunter. I don't know how. (chuckles) Oh, and right below it, on the left side, you see that really bright one? Yup, that's Sirius. HAHAHA. No not like 'serious' Sirius, but like 'sirius' Sirius. Nevermind.

Nothing, nothing seemed to satisfy him. It was as if he had sealed himself in a protective bubble, impenetrable by any force, any rebellion, anything. He was exhausted. How can life be SO cruel, SO unfair?

And right there, you see that group of stars? It's really faint. you might have to look harder. They're a group of stars called Pleiades-the seven sisters. Yeah I know that sounds funny. Doesn't it? HUHH..

No it didn't. Nothing was amusing at that moment. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, there are times when things are just not under your control. No matter how optimistic you try to be, or how much you strive to bring about order from the chaos, there is nothing you can do to make things right. Helpless, you are.

You just have to be with them, and assure them that things WILL be better soon. 'Cause for now, there's nothing, you can do.

Can you?

Knock me down.

One moment, you think you have every single thing you EVER wanted.
And the next moment, it's all gone.
It's annoying how such a little thing can change everything in a glimpse. The moment that drains out even the last drop of ecstasy you were left with. And then blows it away. A worthless piece of shit it makes you feel like.
I wish, I was never, ever, born. The same chant reverberating in your mind again and again. The geyser of emotions building up with every moment, looking for that single crack to let it all out from. The weight of worthlessness, of the consciousness of the fact that your existence might even be a mere joke to someone, crushing your shoulders. The end point, where the turbulence inside is freed from the hypothetical boundary of patience; and would make way for a calm and soothing waves of emotions. And you, you just hang in there somehow. You just levitate between the two distinct states of emotional imbalance; of letting it be, or letting it all out.
But then again, it's not about making a choice. It's about realizing that no one, absolutely no one has the right to raise a finger and point out who you are and who you should be. If you are familiar with your real self and your worth, then there's no existing force to break you down.
After all, life is all about waking up in the morning, looking at the mirror, and finding yourself face to face with the person you're most familiar with. About smiling because you know that person's competence, and that he means something, to someone.
Believe me.

The Hunter.

The vibration jolted me up. Reaching out for my cell phone, I checked the time.
10:28 a.m.

AI can see Orion, the hunter during the night. It surprises me when people tell me they don’t know anything about the night sky. Have you ever gazed upward, towards the heavens and have seen how fascinating the glimpse is? Such an awe-inspiring glance it is. And how, just how can you miss it. The symmetry. The uplifting sentiment. The shimmering jewels of light against the pitch black background.

Around 3:30 p.m.
Realizing that it was the last day of the year wasn't much of a shock. Nothing important to be worried about. The shining belt, the sword raised, ready to aim for the target-the Orion, it gestures somewhere. Where? I donot have a single clue. But it sure does point out, in there amongst the gargantuan cloud of innumerable dazzling points of light. Should I trace that path? Where does it end? Does it even lead somewhere? Answers, aren't important enough to be worried about.

Around 10:45 p.m.

The smiling faces, ecstatic hearts, glee souls chatting their hearts out. There obviously isn't anything important to be worried about. With the target in front and about to make that single deadly slash, it's hunting for something. The thing. Smart guy, had the correct tools and the end in mind from the beginning. But still havn't been able to get what he wanted. Maybe something is just not right.Something's lacking. I, shouldn't worry about it since it isn't important enough.

Around midnight.
The brilliant flashes light up the night sky, tearing down the pitch black backdrop. Roars, laughs, appaulds. It went away, the Orion. I guess he found what he was looking for. Excuse me, hunting for is what I meant to say. From the overwhelming thought came an upsurging feeling. What have I been hunting for all along? Maybe this all isn't as difficult and tangled up as it seems. Or it might be? Do I have the end in my mind?

Some things are just important to be worried about.
They just are.

December 31^st, 2011.

2:40 a.m.

Something isn’t right. I can feel it. So much lays ahead in life for me. So. Much. And what have I been doing all along.

Nothing.

Right now, at this particular moment, I can perceive somehow that something’s just out of order. Chaos. No, it’s nothing physical enough to be known. It’s more like I’m losing it. Sands of time slipping out of my hand, and landing among the endless array of water drops that’ll soon carry it somewhere, really far away. Everyone does want to belong. But everyone does want to stand out, to be known as an individual. You never know what the next moment might bring for you. For right now is all I have. Enough spending time waiting for that one, stupid moment. It’s a race. And I need to get my shit together. I need to hurry up.

This doesn’t make sense.

None of it does.

2:58 a.m.

Complications

       Life. Love. Relations. Questions. Solutions. People are impossible. They try to shape their life in odd ways, pulling things apart, until it breaks down. Why can't they just see that God has plans for them. Surprises that will mold their lives into wonderful patterns.

       Love isn't simple enough how it used to be. We have transformed it in weird ways, complicated arrangements. People are together, telling each other how it's unbearable to live without their 'other half'. A couple of months and BOOM! They call their insensitivity 'letting go'. Materialistic beings, they lust about the physicality of the pure abstract feeling. They lie to themselves, to get accepted by this fake world. The promises, the vows, the pain, the ecstasy, the sorrow, the glee. Nothing's genuine anymore.

       I have learned to expect the best from my life. Because I know I won't be dying alone. Life is the name of unknown, and I know that somewhere, someone is waiting for me too. Live it up, your life. And as I always say, never anticipate too much. You're probably going to end up with regrets. Believe me.